Closest Thing To A Dad

As told to Gary McCraw
AZOD Shooting Section Leader


I never knew you dad.  I have no memories of you.  The section of my brain that stores all of my memories is void in the area of my father.

I don’t know what you look like at all.  Are you tall, short, dark curly haired, or no hair at all?  Do you have an unquenching desire for the outdoors like me?  When you pull the trigger am I on your mind as you are on mine?  What things are necessary to desert survival that I don’t know that you would have taught me?

I have stared into a campfire for untold hours hoping to see through the flames for a glimpse of your face.  Lying in my sleeping bag on a dark forest night I stare at millions of stars and fall asleep wondering which one you were looking at.  Most of all dad I now have a son of my own.  There isn’t a night that goes by that I don’t walk into a small dark room and look into that little round face thinking I am looking at you.

I need you more now than ever dad.  You see I’m scared.  I never had you growing up so I don’t know how to be a dad.  There is and were men who have had a good influence on me, who taught me the secrets of hunting and fishing, and were the closest thing to a dad that I know.  That’s the problem dad, I don’t want to be the closest thing to a dad for my son.  I had that dad, and trust me when I say it leaves big holes in my heart and life.

I know that I am not alone because several of my friends have only had a ‘closest thing to a dad’ also.  Sometimes we talk what it would be like to have our dads with us on our outdoor trips.  Sometimes more is said when we say nothing, sitting around at camp listening to a close friend and his dad tell of years of experiences together.

Mom has done her best to be everything to me and I will love her always for it.  She dried my tears, pretended to enjoy watching all the hunting and fishing shows on TV with me, and smiled as I breathlessly talked about a new BB gun or fishing pole.  But it still seems to fall in line of the ‘closest thing’.

So dad, whoever you are, wherever you are, and if you’re still alive, I love you and I hope you are proud of me.  Happy Father’s Day.   - END -